| Enough is enough. |
[Apr. 17th, 2006|01:00 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  irritated | ] |
I've had it with this snake. |
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| The simple things in life are often the best? |
[Feb. 4th, 2006|03:03 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  worried | ] |
It's been over a month now....there's been no sight of him, but no dead cats either, at least. I'm really starting to get worried though...do snakes hibernate? It's getting really cold lately so if not...I don't really want to see Cornflake turned into a popsicle. I've been following cats around, to no avail. That calico one isn't very friendly. I wonder if it's in danger, considering that Para can be like that too...think snakes can read personalities? I did train him well, dammit.
I also had a close call with one of those land mines. You'd think she'd at least tell family how to avoid them? Although, no...actually I wouldn't be surprised if we were the last people she'd warn.
I apparently also have taught myself to knit. I need a life, perhaps. But between that and drawing, I at least have something to do.
The other day I did stop by Albert's though...he's been staying there and I've been staying here a lot lately, and Travis has just been...around, I suppose? But Trishtan needed to see Albert about that whole Secret Santa thing, and so I took him to Iksay and ended up visiting Albert in the process. He was in a bit of an off mood though...hm. I wonder if our parents have spoken to him at all yet. I really haven't seen mother since that once, surprisingly. Likely they'll be around though. I've been thinking about an extended stay in Iksay for a few days. I heard Apple was in town, too. I bet she's following our parents, considering the way she is with Silverbergs...maybe she'll put mother in her place for once. Not that it seems to stick, when it happens. Ah, anyway, I don't suppose I'll be having to escort Trishtan to Iksay anytime soon again, but hopefully I'll see him around, I rather liked him. |
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| Cornflake is still missing. |
[Jan. 5th, 2006|02:25 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | worried | ] |
Right...I think I've given up on finding Cornflake by the means I've been trying. This is what I get for being gone for a few days and trusting things to work out okay in my absence. I miss my snake. This search has gone one for quite possibly...well I don't remember. Ever since Nana decided it would be fun to let him out while I was gone and see if he could find his target. Not that he should have a target anymore... I've acquired her help anyway. At least if he eats Para I'll have something to trace him by...
Also, our parents are still here. I don't see what they hope to get out of this. It's too bad Cornflake isn't poisonous; having him bite my mother would be ever so much more rewarding than something like eating a cat. At any rate, I've been keeping away and they've been staying out of our business...somehow. Mother seems to still think it will make me uneasy just having her around. It's too bad for her, really, her only technique's been proven useless. Maybe she'll give up and just leave. Probably not before she has some say in father talking to Albert, which I can only imgine is inevitable.
I most likely ruined some tactical documents of Albert's by drawing all over them yesterday. I'm sure it's information he already knew. I already knew it anyway. Hence the drawing, rather than the reading. Though I have another sketchbook now, thanks to Yun, so perhaps I'll stop before I touch anything stolen borrowed from Nana. At any rate...I rather think I'd like a nap now. |
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| Well.... |
[Dec. 7th, 2005|03:05 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  okay | ] |
So this is what it was......that weird feeling that had been nagging at me for weeks. Our parents are here. I honestly am not sure why, or what she means to do...
I'm breaking down again, a little. Maybe it's a good thing, though, because it's ending me up...changing. Last time I got back, last time I stood up to her it was like I was a different person, once everything went away and got fixed. So this time...I'm just not so afraid. She had her chance and she lost it--I'm not worried it could happen again, surprisingly.
I think he has something to do with it too... Both of them, really. Though one seems to still be missing right now and has been entirely no help. I hope father finds you >_> I'm a lot different now, at any rate, and she doesn't seem to realize that.
I wish she'd stop insinuating that I'm not making him happy though. As if she has any right to say...
Well, whatever. Christmas is coming, and I like the change of seasons. Things promise to get better, whether certain people stay here or not. And there's that whole Secret Santa thing...the person I got, it'll be nice to spend some time with them again. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 14th, 2005|02:25 am] |
Things have gotten quiet...
Maybe that thing I was feeling so nervous about....is lying low. I've been feeling a lot more myself lately, but I still have a feeling...it's not all that simple. Like whatever is coming was just postponed.
Ah...Albert took my mind off it the other day anyway. Apparently he either really didn't need sleep, or he is very convincing. It's been nice spending time with him...it feels like I see the two of them in such streaks. It's been days since I've caught Travis, though I did see his cat the other day. Following Para did me no good in what was certainly not an attempt to find Travis as well.
I haven't seen Nana around lately either....I think it's my fault I haven't been seeing people though; I've been a little distant and distracted by worrying, which is a huge waste of time, when I think about it. So I'm going to fix that...weird ominous feeling persisting or not.
I'm still concerned about Hugo... Finding him as beat up as I did was distressing; I hope his nose has gotten better by now. It's been a few days since I went around to visit, and he mentioned something I might like to read, so I really think I should stop by soon and see how he's doing.
Hm... I think I'll go do that now, even. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 20th, 2005|12:54 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  anxious | ] |
I didn't go to the wedding... I don't really know either of them and I felt a little out of place at all the festivities. I hear Albert went...
Actually I spent the evening with Travis instead, while everyone else was there. And it was a night quite well spent, for that matter. I hope it went well and everyone is happy though.
Cornflake is huge. I hadn't been paying much attention lately, but I think he's honestly doubled in size since when I traded Cray for bought him. This actually makes me nervous and I hope he is kept well away from Para in the case that I trained him too well x__x
I still haven't been able to entirely shake this weird feeling I've got... When I'm with Travis it goes away, and when I'm with Albert it's almost...stronger. But not because of him, just because of... I don't know, I suppose. But at the same time I want to be near him... I've had this feeling before, but I don't understand how it could be here now. The nightmares haven't been coming back though. I know they've both been worried about that, but...that's over now. This, though...I'm not sure what this is.
Maybe that weird caravan I saw when I was out riding with Hugo (which I've taken to doing lately...it calms my nerves, and I've missed his company) has something to do with it... My heart nearly seized up when I saw it. But I really don't understand why... |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 5th, 2005|02:33 pm] |
I knew the last couple weeks were too good...
I feel weird, like something's going to happen. I shouldn't place a lot of faith in it, I know, it's just a feeling and why should anything out of the ordinary happen now... I can't help thinking... Well, I don't know. I'm sure it'll be okay, I have them after all.
I can't shake this feeling though. What's worse is I've had it before...and those weren't pleasant times...
Other than that, things have been really quiet around here lately. I think I sort of managed to convince Albert of something the other day. He never tells me anything >>; Hah...no wonder they got along...both of them is like that, a little.
Albert did some whole elaborate thing for Travis' birthday....and I haven't. I'm bad at grand gestures...what I did for Albert's was even pushing limits. But I want to do something. I was under the impression we both were going to...>__> And then he went off and did all that without me. Egomaniac, you just wanted all the credit.
Right then...I think it's time for a nap. Maybe I can sleep off this feeling. |
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| Sleepy.... |
[Aug. 12th, 2005|10:45 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  sleepy | ] |
I'm...really tired. It's nice to know I can sleep, finally...without worrying about those nightmares. I didn't like worrying them...And I don't miss the headaches/stomachaches either.
So I'm back now...though I don't think I really mentioned to anyone that I was leaving except Travis. I went and visited my mother... I really didn't want to see her, but there were some things I had to take care of before I could deal with everything happening back here right now, so I stuck it out. She looked older than before, and I really for a second thought it wouldn't be as hard as I'd expected... She was just the same as ever though. I think...I finally got her to understand that I wasn't ever going to be a Silverberg, no matter what she did. And I think I also made her finally realize that Albert and I...she can't change what we are. *Frowns softly* She still...I don't know what that move was when I was leaving was supposed to mean, but... She can still throw me off guard. But I'm probably never going back there again.
I had an...encounter on the way home that didn't make matters any better, either. But then again, I'd already ran myself into the ground. I know I looked like shit when I got back and I worried them... I went to see Albert that night and tell him where I'd been because I knew he'd be worried sick, but I really...needed someone who wasn't a Silverberg, so... Well, thanks for taking care of me and other things, Travis...I'm sorry I came back looking like that. Thinking about it...maybe mother knew what she was saying with that one...comment.
Now Albert's gone for a few days at a seminar, so we've been staying at his house... Although actually I haven't really been around there too much... I went back to my room at the castle to check on Cornflake (with all of Nana's experimenting I was getting a bit worried...) and...well, to see her, too. She really did frame that stain Sasarai managed to leave on the carpet...and put it up right above my bed. Thanks, Nana --; I love you too.
I think I've finished up everything there now though, so...I'm going to go back to Albert's and stay there for the rest of the time he's gone. I miss him...but not so much miss having him right here as I do just knowing that he's nearby somewhere. Travis said he'd be there though...I'm glad for that. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 17th, 2005|11:43 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  contemplative | ] |
This is... I don't...
I don't know if this is going to work but god I want it to I hope so... I just...don't know what else I could do.
Grandfather...Leon...arrived here recently. I'm not...sure about that either. Travis... That trinket, don't let him see it. Just...please...
There are so many of us here now...being surrounded by this many family members it... I don't like it. Those headaches have come back, and I get scared of...well...nevermind. I suppose it'll be okay... They'll make it okay.
What am I doing... |
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| ..... |
[Jun. 18th, 2005|07:14 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | distressed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | disgruntled | ] |
Training period complete >_>.
Well....I think I've accomplished what I needed to.
And during that time, apparently....Nana decided to move in with me? Which was okay except that she never listens to me unless she feels like it which is almost never, (as if I would have had a choice even if it HADN'T been...) but then she drags cage-san along with her...
So now LUC is in my room. WHERE is Sasarai and WHY hasn't he been rescued yet? Sigh. T_T
However. I suppose he can use his Febreeze rune or whatever that thing is and keep my room smelling nice.
I shall keep him at bay with Cornflake who is growing nicely....
[[OOC: Sorry Andrea, there was just no way to convey Caesar's blank '....oh my god.' stare XD In writing. And uh...a lot of people still don't know what Cornflake IS, do they? Caesar hasn't said, except to the kids who were at a certain chat XD;]] |
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| Home at last... |
[Jun. 5th, 2005|02:58 pm] |
Well we're back...
Nana's basically threatened to kill anyone who goes into details about our trip, but overall...it was actually kind of refreshing.
I spent some time with Albert and no, nothing happening, you melodramatic misanthrope, have some goddamn faith in him... And I'm not going to 'take him from you' if it's not what he wants. For now. Suck it up and stop whining about how you wanted him to come back., which I needed...he needed...maybe...
Well... I'm pretty happy anyway. Things are moving like normal and I know what's going to happen in the end. It might take some time, but I can wait.
I think... Maybe I'll go back to studying some. I hate being a Silverberg...I really do... But I can only hide from it so much, and despite everything I've said against it... I've learned so much from being a strategist. I think I have to be a little more honest with myself and realize that I can't run away from my family that much... Just because I'm not like them doesn't take away the last name, right? I'll probably always fight against it, but I can only win for so long--Albert taught me that.
Also Sasarai came in here raving to me about Nana and Cage-san... I always figured he knew where Luc was and just wasn't helping him because they were fighting... But after being threatened with death from a rune that, unlike Luc's, could actually be damaging, it seems I may have to speak to my grandmother about that... I don't see her budging an inch though, and I am reluctant to deal with Cage-san, so perhaps I'll just pretend I did. Speaking of Nana, I hear she's finally leaving Albert's empty room... I wonder where she'll go? Not that I was at all thinking about going back there for a night to sleep in his bed....
Hmm... Well, since Nana's already mentioned it I guess that it's safe to say that we sold Cray into slavery on the way home... Sadly that meant we had to carry our own bags, but I got a pet out of the deal. And now I have some things that Cornflake needs to be trained to do accustomed to, so I'll be off. I might be gone for a while, between the studying and Cornflake who I have plans for...>__>.
[[OOC: Uhhh, most likely this is my last post until I get home from China, which I leave for on Tuesday, so I'll see you guys all around the 18th? XD BTW Caesar's birthday is the 20th in case anyone wants to do anything for him XD I don't know why anyone other than Albert would even KNOW about it, but if you find a reason, feel free. <3 you all and be good for Sammers while I'm gone.]] |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 24th, 2005|12:30 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | discontent | ] |
We're going again...like usual...
I don't understand why Silverbergs travel so much. But I'm kind of glad to get away from the castle. I'll be with Albert... I kind of hope I can...fix things.
I won't do anything...if you see this... You don't have to worry. I'm done, I even told him so. For now, I'm just waiting, and it's your turn. But I want things to go back to the way they were.
It's going to be hard though. I remember last year when Albert and I went on a journey like this...
I'll be fine. If I have Nana around...I don't know why but that's almost become comforting. I think because she'll stop me if I do anything too dumb... |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 15th, 2005|01:38 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | gloomy | ] |
I don't even know where to start... But I realized something last night when we were down in that basement searching for Yun. For the first time in a long time I felt actually useful, like something I was doing mattered. I was leading people, even.
I used to do that a long time ago... During the war people followed me all the time, but that... I was only doing what I was doing to hide from Albert, to prove that I didn't need him and if he was going to betray me, I could do it right back. I was strong because of him--he made me that way, when he left.
And when he came back here, I didn't want him to know. I wanted to be exactly who he'd left, because I was scared that he didn't want me anymore and I was still furious at him, because I couldn't let it go... So I made myself this weak pathetic person that everyone walks all over, and only just now, only just recently has it stopped. Because I know I can't be that person anymore... Albert...he'll never come back to that person.
I...ended it with Rody yesterday... I do love him--out of all the relationships I tried to throw myself into to prove to Albert that I was fine, that one... It meant something. Rody showed me I could be happy without Albert--but that I could never forget Albert. But I couldn't lie anymore... And I need Albert to see that I mean it.
I'm going to go back to being the real Caesar, no pretending, no doing anything for Albert's sake... And I'm going to wait for him. Like he waited for me all that time... Now it's my turn.
....Albert, I was only watching you...because I wanted to see you happy. |
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| ... |
[May. 4th, 2005|02:16 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | crushed | ] |
This feels just like back then only a million times worse because now I know one hundred percent for sure that it was all my fault...all of it...
Nana came to try and talk some sense into me, in her convoluted way, and I brushed it off even though it did make sense, and while I was still trying to wrap my mind around it, Albert came and bashed it into my skull.
I can't do this anymore...
I've only ever really loved one person like that, like I do him, and even though I've loved so many other people in the meantime it all comes back down to what I just can't ever quite have and this whole time I've been blaming him for that but...it's me...it's really me, it's really been me all along.
I clung so hard to blaming him but after everything...and that stupid promise not to be like them, and after he broke it, after that... I knew it was up to me but I waited for him to say everything. But god dammit all I wanted was to know it was all right... That whole time I just wanted someone to tell me it was okay and it wasn't so wrong...
I love someone right now...and I can't bear doing this to them... But I can't lie to myself like this anymore--Nana proved it and Albert proved it and it's all over and everything is falling apart all around me and I just want to die, so I have to say it...
When Albert kissed me at the wedding...he didn't trip...it wasn't an accident...
If I say all this...is he going to come back? Or is that the end... |
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| Happier than usual... |
[Mar. 29th, 2005|10:26 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  content | ] |
Around a year ago today were the plays... I was just meeting Rody. A year ago almost today he said I looked really nice, and I did a really good job in the play, and I wasn't even paying attention because I was looking for Sasarai Albert someone else. I'm so glad he was persistent... Despite all the chaos that's been happening lately, I've had him so I've been happy ^^ He stayed over the other night... I really liked it. It was different than with certain other people....
Anyway... The castle is getting lively again and I'm starting to like it. I wasn't so depressed back when things actually happened here and now that they're getting lively again it's starting to feel more like that. I'm a lot happier than I've been in a long while, but then... I guess that one thing will always bother me.
I'm going to talk to him now... |
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| *sigh*... |
[Dec. 11th, 2004|08:49 pm] |
I am so stupid...
I shouldn't have gotten him involved with the two of us again.
But... |
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| Well then. |
[Oct. 31st, 2004|12:21 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | distressed | ] |
Sometimes my brother just goes too far -____- What is he WEARING? Or NOT wearing, I suppose is a fairer question T_T
What is wrong with my family? *sigh* |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 16th, 2004|11:47 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  confused | ] |
I went on a picnic with Rody the other day...It was so much fun. I can't believe he made all that food himself, and it all tasted so good... (Maybe I'm so surprised because I can't cook at all unless Sasarai is around to make sure I don't burn the cookies -____-) Anyway, we were having a really good time, and then he said something kinda funny....and then he ran off.
I can't find him now either, and I wanted to tell him that it's okay, and I would never hate him o.o I do love Rody...I think....It's so nice being with him, and I can tell him everything...Except that one thing...
Either way, I hope I can see him soon because I don't want him to keep thinking I might hate him :<
And...I'd like to see Albert...
[[WHA I am sorry AGAIN that this took so long T_____T *fail at life* WEBCOMIC IS EATING MY FREE TIME x___x That and I'm lazy :< Sorry about that :<]] |
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| ANGST :P! |
[Aug. 30th, 2004|02:08 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | lonely | ] |
I woke up this morning and there were weird scary things IN MY ROOM :< So I freaked out took action and ended up in Albert's room elsewhere. I don't like them x_x; The snakes and stuff are scary enough (I hate creepy scary things like that T___T) but those other things are just frightening T_T
Ummm oh, I went out with Sasarai the other day. He was sad because Luc is an asshole. :< Um and he said I should talk to Rody, which....I haven't lately. I feel really bad about that... I'm a horrible person ;-;
But then again, that's been true for a pretty long time, and probably will continue to be for quite a while longer.
[[Edit: I am sooooo sorry it's been so long since I've posted x_x With moving in at college and then CN Anime and working on my webcomic Atrophy (go read it now dammit :< slashy goodness!) I've been a really sucky mod :< Sam's picked up some of my slack though XD; But for now! I am back and I shall post you know, more than once every goddamn MONTH ^^;;;; Hopefully :D; Classes start in two days SO YOU NEVER KNOW :D;;;;;]] |
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| So...Albert...Yeah. |
[Jul. 17th, 2004|09:51 pm] |
Um...so then I did something...sort of stupid...but...I was happy. Right? I think so.
And lately I've been helping with castle repairs during which I haven't seen much of Albert at all. It's....well not really fun, but it'll be nice when it's over and the castle looks all pretty. Especialy since then certain people like Tengaar and Seed will shut up about how bad it looks and stop giving people with red hair a bad reputation. Well....Albert deserves it sometimes T_T;
I haven't really seen Rody either, though I caught his kitty running around the other day and so I took him back to his room, but Rody wasn't there, probably busy working on the castle, like everyone has been. Except, ironically enough, the people who complained about it in the first place.
I wish Luc would go die, god. Sasarai could do so much better. But then again...*sigh* Who am I to talk when it comes to that one, sometimes T_T |
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